Jimmy C kept talking to K, it was horrible, I would leave for the grocery store after our boys went to bed and he would be on the phone with her the minute I walked out the door (I would find this out by looking at our cell phone records). For a couple of weeks I didn't say anything about it figuring he would just stop talking to her given a little time.
That didn't work. We left the boys with my mom and went to run some errands in the car and we had a discussion about it. I told him flat out I didn't trust him and that I knew with 100% certainty that if it was me doing what he did, that he wouldn't tolerate it one bit. He had crossed the line, the line we established together about what was appropriate and what wasn't. I told him the longer it went on with him talking to her the harder it was going to be for me to trust him again. I asked him to stop all personal contact with her. Unfortunately for me I knew she worked at the grocery store that they use when they shop for work. I told him I was being realistic and I didn't want to put him in a bad position at work, so I wasn't going to ask him to not step foot in the store, but I wanted him to stop all personal contact. He agreed. He talked to her less, but he still talked to her. I had such a hard time handling it, I couldn't believe that his life was so bad that he would risk being the "every other weekend dad". K isn't single, she is married with 2 or 3 kids, I never asked so I am not sure exactly on the number. It wasn't like he could just jump into a relationship with her.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Recovering from the trauma
It has been so hard for me to just recover from the trauma of being betrayed. I am working every day to get my stability back in our relationship. I don't feel like our foundation of our relationship was destroyed, but it was definitely damaged.
Jimmy C knows that I don't trust him, but he is having trouble having patience with me when I ask him questions, mainly about numbers on our phone bill.
He isn't talking to K anymore that I know of, and I am looking. But I think she is still trying to contact him.
I have been talking to friends and reading the Bible, one of my favorite verses is:
Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. ~Psalm 71:20
There are days in which I repeat this verse over and over to myself. I am getting through the days now much better. I only cry about once or twice a week.
Jimmy C knows that I don't trust him, but he is having trouble having patience with me when I ask him questions, mainly about numbers on our phone bill.
He isn't talking to K anymore that I know of, and I am looking. But I think she is still trying to contact him.
I have been talking to friends and reading the Bible, one of my favorite verses is:
Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. ~Psalm 71:20
There are days in which I repeat this verse over and over to myself. I am getting through the days now much better. I only cry about once or twice a week.
Confrontations/Discussions
We had multiple confrontations/discussions about what happened. I owned up to my part of the breakdown in communication between us. He didn't know how much I struggled through my second pregnancy, how hard I had to work to stay out of the hospital for the last 15 weeks of it, and how hard it was for me after our second son was born. I didn't want to burden him with it, he had enough going on at the time. I apologized for the fact that he felt like he was unwanted by me. After talking to my counselor It dawned on me that Jimmy C has some huge unresolved issues about not being wanted by his dad, I think the two were tied tightly together emotionally for him.
We had a number of discussions, but I have no recollection of him ever apologizing for his part in this, for hurting me, for breaking my trust. He made steps behavior wise in the right direction, but I don't recall ever hearing the words.
We had a number of discussions, but I have no recollection of him ever apologizing for his part in this, for hurting me, for breaking my trust. He made steps behavior wise in the right direction, but I don't recall ever hearing the words.
Finding Out
I had gone to Johnson City, Tennessee for Mother's Day weekend with my mom and my two boys. My best friend who I have know since infancy (and who is like a brother to me) had just put his dad in a nursing home. His dad was more like a dad to me growing up than my own was. Hubby (Jimmy C) stayed home because he had to work, he is a Fire Fighter, he also works a part time job as an EMT, and right now he is in paramedic school full time.
We left for our trip just like any other time we have gone on short trips. I talked to Jimmy C off and on while we were gone. On Saturday afternoon he called me pretty distraught, one of the Sherrif's Deputies got killed serving a warrant, we knew this deputy, he was close to our age and also had two small kids.
Sunday night my friend's dad died.
Monday we headed home.
I knew when I got home that Jimmy C wasn't ok, but I figured it had a lot to do with losing a deputy. We got the kids fed and in bed and I wanted to snuggle. I hadn't yet been able to mourn the loss of my friends dad. Jimmy C didn't want to snuggle, I knew then that something was terribly wrong. After pushing him to talk he said he wasn't happy, wasn't happy in our relationship, wasn't happy with me. I was devastated, I completely broke down. I didn't know what to do, at the time our baby was 6 months old, I couldn't believe I was hearing this, we had not ever had any relationship problems in the 9 years we had been together and the almost 7 we've been married. I knew that something had happened over the long weekend while I was gone. I knew it deep down in my soul. I asked him if there was a girl involved and he said no.
I cried almost all day every day, it was horrible. I work full time, I work Monday through Thursday, 10 hour days, I could hardly leave my office.
A couple of nights later I woke up and it came to me that I should look at his cell phone. In ALL the time we have been together I have never looked at his phone, never gone through his stuff, never not trusted him. So I looked at his phone and there in the text messages was the evidence that something was going on with a girl (K). I confronted him about it at 2 in the morning and asked him to stop talking to her. He said ok.
Turns out he didn't stop talking to her. A week later her husband was calling Jimmy C's cell phone at 3AM.
About a week after that I dropped the boys off at day care and staked out my own home. I waited until Jimmy C got home and gave him enough time to get in the shower. I snuck in and looked at his phone, there were more incriminating texts between him and K. I confronted him again. It was ugly, I told him I couldn't believe that he would do such a thing, and that he lied to me about it. Here I was recovering from an incredibly hard and complicated pregnancy with our second son, and having a bad case of the baby blues (he had previously asked me before what was wrong and I told him I thought I had the baby blues, turns out even though he said ok, that he didn't know what it was).
I lived in fear for days that I would come home from work one day and all his stuff would be gone. I couldn't believe that this was my life. It was so hard to pull myself together, but I had to keep it together for my boys. I am the only one with them a lot of the time. Fortunately, I have a supportive family, my mom is local and she was always there for me. My sister came into town for a week just to be here for me.
We left for our trip just like any other time we have gone on short trips. I talked to Jimmy C off and on while we were gone. On Saturday afternoon he called me pretty distraught, one of the Sherrif's Deputies got killed serving a warrant, we knew this deputy, he was close to our age and also had two small kids.
Sunday night my friend's dad died.
Monday we headed home.
I knew when I got home that Jimmy C wasn't ok, but I figured it had a lot to do with losing a deputy. We got the kids fed and in bed and I wanted to snuggle. I hadn't yet been able to mourn the loss of my friends dad. Jimmy C didn't want to snuggle, I knew then that something was terribly wrong. After pushing him to talk he said he wasn't happy, wasn't happy in our relationship, wasn't happy with me. I was devastated, I completely broke down. I didn't know what to do, at the time our baby was 6 months old, I couldn't believe I was hearing this, we had not ever had any relationship problems in the 9 years we had been together and the almost 7 we've been married. I knew that something had happened over the long weekend while I was gone. I knew it deep down in my soul. I asked him if there was a girl involved and he said no.
I cried almost all day every day, it was horrible. I work full time, I work Monday through Thursday, 10 hour days, I could hardly leave my office.
A couple of nights later I woke up and it came to me that I should look at his cell phone. In ALL the time we have been together I have never looked at his phone, never gone through his stuff, never not trusted him. So I looked at his phone and there in the text messages was the evidence that something was going on with a girl (K). I confronted him about it at 2 in the morning and asked him to stop talking to her. He said ok.
Turns out he didn't stop talking to her. A week later her husband was calling Jimmy C's cell phone at 3AM.
About a week after that I dropped the boys off at day care and staked out my own home. I waited until Jimmy C got home and gave him enough time to get in the shower. I snuck in and looked at his phone, there were more incriminating texts between him and K. I confronted him again. It was ugly, I told him I couldn't believe that he would do such a thing, and that he lied to me about it. Here I was recovering from an incredibly hard and complicated pregnancy with our second son, and having a bad case of the baby blues (he had previously asked me before what was wrong and I told him I thought I had the baby blues, turns out even though he said ok, that he didn't know what it was).
I lived in fear for days that I would come home from work one day and all his stuff would be gone. I couldn't believe that this was my life. It was so hard to pull myself together, but I had to keep it together for my boys. I am the only one with them a lot of the time. Fortunately, I have a supportive family, my mom is local and she was always there for me. My sister came into town for a week just to be here for me.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Introduction
This might be one of the hardest things I have ever done. My name is Melissa, I am 33 years old and 4 months ago my husband had an affair. We are moving forward with our lives together, but I am struggling with a lot of the issues that come with infidelity. Some of my friends suggested I should start a blog to help me get my feelings out and that it could possibly help others.
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