Christmas

Saturday we decorated our Christmas tree.  We have a box of special ornaments.  An ornament we got on our honeymoon, and ornaments we got on our anniversaries.  I opened the box and pulled out our honeymoon ornament and just cried.  He asked me what was wrong, and I said that just seeing it now makes me so sad.  It reminds me of such a happy time when promises were not broken, when we were not broken.  It's hard for me to look at them on the tree now.  I guess I have to though, since I made the choice to stay together and move forward.

Confrontations

Thursday night my girlfriend P. came over to sit with my boys while they slept so I could go talk to Jimmy C.  On my way to talk to him my baby sister called, apparently she was fed up after I had talked to her on my way home from work and she decided to call Jimmy C. and give him a piece of her mind.  She was nice about it, as in she didn't yell and curse at him, but she was pretty firm.  She did say that he seemed to be very sorry and he knew that he had a lot of digging to do to get out of the hole he's in.
I got to the Fire Station and we sat out in the bay (where they park the trucks) and talked.  I tried to explain to him how incredibly painful this situation is for me.  I don't know that he will ever understand how bad it is for me, just like I don't think I will ever understand why he did it.  I did ask him how long he had been talking to her this time and it looks like it's only about a week to 10 days.  I also asked how he got back in contact with her since he isn't texting and calling her from his phone.  He said e-mail, and that she had his e-mail address from before, also that he is calling her from the fire station phone.  I was really mad.  My emotions run the circle around, devastated, livid, and defeated.  I am just so tired of dealing with this.  I am so hurt that he would talk to her again knowing that it was going to hurt me terribly.  I did tell Jimmy C. that he couldn't have any secrets and this time he couldn't be mad if I gave him the third degree about stuff.  I also told him that if K. contacts him I want to know about it, and if she sends him an e-mail or text that I want to see it. 

Crap, just crap!

Things have been going along just fine, Jimmy C. and I have been doing well, he has been exhibiting exemplary behavior. 
Sunday I get a call from my girldfriend P.  She found out that K. is getting a divorce and just wanted that fact to be on my radar just in case something comes up.  I kind of figured a divorce was coming for K. based on the little bits of information that I had been able to put together.
So this morning, I find out that for the last week or two Jimmy C. has been talking to K. again.  I almost lost it.  We were getting ready for work and Jimmy C. asked me if I was ok, and I just said no and that I didn't want to talk about it then, we had just gotten our boys up and were getting them ready to go.  Jimmy C. called me after I dropped the boys off at daycare and was on my way to work.  He asked me what was wrong, and I told him flat out that I was debating on whether or not when he came home on Friday, to ask him to pack his stuff and go stay with his mom.  He got real quiet and said what, why.  I said because I know that you are talking to K. again.  He said it's probably not what you think.  I said, I don't care that she is getting an F'ing divorce and needs somebody.  WE AGREED that you wouldn't talk to her anymore and that you couldn't be her friend, period, paragraph.  He was very remorseful.  I ended up stopping by the Fire Station on my way to work to talk to him.  While I was there he sent K. a message that he couldn't talk to her anymore (this was at my request).  I told him I don't want to have to go and be ugly to K. I have no reason to believe she knows who I am at this point and we do live in a relatively small town we have one Target, one Wal-Mart, one Chick-fil-A (I have already run into her once in town).  I don't want her to know who I am, but I am seriously at my wits end.  She needs to find someone else to dump her problems on.  I know from my friend P. that K. has a sister who is divorced, so maybe she needs to talk to her, or a therapist...but damn, she can't have my husband! 
This is so hard!  Just when I think I've found my stable base again, it's pulled out from under me.

Struggling

It has been exactly 3 months since I confronted Jimmy C. and still to my knowledge he hasn't had any contact with K.  I thought I was feeling better about the whole situation and personally making strides in getting past it.  Last Thursday I went and met one of my girlfriends and her little boy for dinner.  As we were pulling out of the restaurant K was pulling in, I got on the phone and told my girlfriend (we had been talking about K and the text she had sent the day before at dinner) turns out my girlfriend knows K, they went to the same school, thank goodness they aren't friends.  I wasn't prepared for that, I wasn't prepared to run into her, even though I have no reason to believe that she knows who I am.  The fact that she lives in the same somewhat small town I do just freaking stinks.  After dinner I had to go see Jimmy C. at work and drop off some things he needed.  He asked why I was in a mood and after I asked him not to be mad if I talked about it, I told him what happened.  He assured me he wasn't having any contact with her and that it was over.  I believe that. 
My problem is that I am struggling because I believe he is still holding back information from me, I don't know really how to explain it.  Maybe he hasn't settled into our "new" relationship either and is still trying to get comfortable like I am, I just don't know. 
For whatever reason I am feeling a lot of the same grief I did when this first happened.  I guess it is because it has recently dawned on me that our relationship will NEVER be the same again, it's not just the death of that relationship I have to grieve, but the death of a dream. 
The other thing I am really struggling with the most is he has never apologized, not for the affair, not for the hell he drug me through, not for his part in what got us to the affair.  He has never assured me that it isn't going to happen again.  Sometimes his actions indicate he is sorry, but I guess I need to hear it. 
I do know this, if we didn't have kids, I am pretty sure we wouldn't be together now.  I can't say that with 100% certainty because that isn't our scenario, but I don't believe I would have forgiven him. 
I was talking recently to someone who has been like a big sister to me and she couldn't believe he never apologized, and that he still was using a password and such on his phone, she believes that like Dr. Phil said that he should be an open book about everything.  He isn't, and the last time I "gave him the third degree" he got irritated...that may be partly because I have never had to do that before. 
I really thought that this was something I could move past, but today I am just not so sure. 

The Last Straw

In July Jimmy C. and I went away for a weekend with 3 of our friends.  The weekend was great, we goofed off and had a good time, our friends left one day earlier than we did so Jimmy C. and I had some time alone together.  It was nice to be away from the kids, to not have to worry about the daily demands of our crazy life, and to have NO cell phone signal. 
I figured after a good weekend together with some bonding time that when we came home that he would stop talking to K.  Again, didn't happen.  I got totally fed up one Wednesday afternoon.  I was talking to a girl at work who knew what was going on. The previous day Jimmy C had come and had lunch with me at work, I logged into our phone records and found out that as soon as he walked out the door from having lunch with me that he was on the phone with K.  I was LIVID, I had all of it I could take.  So at lunch that Wednesday I went to Jimmy C's work, he didn't know I was coming to talk to him.  I sure wasn't going to let him know I was coming because I wanted to see his reaction. 
I got to his work and he was surprised to see me.  He asked me what was going on and I said I wanted to talk.  He said ok.  I suggested we go outside since I didn't believe that anyone else needed to hear the conversation. 
I asked him what he wanted.  He said he wanted to be at home with me and the boys.  I asked him if he was sure and he said yes.  I told him I was asking because his actions and his words didn't go hand in hand.  We had talked earlier in the month and he said he wouldn't talk to her any more (I kind of backed him into a corner that time).  So I said to him, you know we talked earlier and you agreed to no more personal contact, so either I didn't understand what that meant or you didn't understand what that meant (knowing full well I understood).  He told me I was more important.  And I said, every time you talk to her that shows me that you put more importance on talking than on my feelings, since I have made it crystal clear how it makes me feel when you talk to her. 
I explained to him that I was ok with him having female friends, I didn't expect him to stop talking to his friends that he already has that are female, that he just CAN'T be friends with her, I can't and won't tolerate it.  So I gave him the option, if you are sure you want to be with me than that's fine, you can, otherwise you need to plan on staying at your mom's for the next week while she is gone.  He stayed at home.  And to my knowledge hasn't talked to K. again. 
BUT she kept trying to talk to him for a while, she would send him a text or 2 and he just wouldn't respond, he didn't answer the phone if she called.  That lasted about 2 weeks and she stopped trying to contact him.  About 6 weeks after no contact from her she called him, he didn't answer, she sent a text and he didn't answer. 
Fast forward to today...I looked at his phone this morning and she had sent him a text...it said something like "I need a friend, life is really hard, I don't want to cause any trouble for you, blah, blah, blah.  This is the first time he has left one of her texts on his phone.  Up until now I haven't known what she was saying when she sent a message because he would apparently delete it right away.  He does NOT know that I know the pass code to get on his phone. 
He does NOT tell me that she tries to contact him, and he has never said anything about what she says, when she does send a message. 
I am not a cold and unfeeling B***H, I know that K. has problems but I DON'T CARE.  She needs to find someone else to be her friend.  I wish she would just leave Jimmy C. alone.  It makes me so upset that she continues to contact him.  Maybe this was our fault, I know that when I went to his work to talk to him that he just stopped answering her, he didn't tell her not to contact him anymore and that he wouldn't respond ever, I think he just figured she would give up.  Apparently not since that was 3 months ago and for some STUPID reason she thinks he will be here for her now. 
I am really just praying with all my soul that he will continue to ignore her and she will give up.

Dealing with it every day.

Jimmy C kept talking to K, it was horrible, I would leave for the grocery store after our boys went to bed and he would be on the phone with her the minute I walked out the door (I would find this out by looking at our cell phone records).  For a couple of weeks I didn't say anything about it figuring he would just stop talking to her given a little time. 
That didn't work.  We left the boys with my mom and went to run some errands in the car and we had a discussion about it.  I told him flat out I didn't trust him and that I knew with 100% certainty that if it was me doing what he did, that he wouldn't tolerate it one bit.  He had crossed the line, the line we established together about what was appropriate and what wasn't.  I told him the longer it went on with him talking to her the harder it was going to be for me to trust him again.  I asked him to stop all personal contact with her.  Unfortunately for me I knew she worked at the grocery store that they use when they shop for work.  I told him I was being realistic and I didn't want to put him in a bad position at work, so I wasn't going to ask him to not step foot in the store, but I wanted him to stop all personal contact.  He agreed.  He talked to her less, but he still talked to her.  I had such a hard time handling it, I couldn't believe that his life was so bad that he would risk being the "every other weekend dad".  K isn't single, she is married with 2 or 3 kids, I never asked so I am not sure exactly on the number.  It wasn't like he could just jump into a relationship with her.

Recovering from the trauma

It has been so hard for me to just recover from the trauma of being betrayed.  I am working every day to get my stability back in our relationship.  I don't feel like our foundation of our relationship was destroyed, but it was definitely damaged.
Jimmy C knows that I don't trust him, but he is having trouble having patience with me when I ask him questions, mainly about numbers on our phone bill. 
He isn't talking to K anymore that I know of, and I am looking.  But I think she is still trying to contact him.
I have been talking to friends and reading the Bible, one of my favorite verses is:
Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.  ~Psalm 71:20
There are days in which I repeat this verse over and over to myself.  I am getting through the days now much better.  I only cry about once or twice a week.

Confrontations/Discussions

We had multiple confrontations/discussions about what happened.  I owned up to my part of the breakdown in communication between us.  He didn't know how much I struggled through my second pregnancy, how hard I had to work to stay out of the hospital for the last 15 weeks of it, and how hard it was for me after our second son was born.  I didn't want to burden him with it, he had enough going on at the time.  I apologized for the fact that he felt like he was unwanted by me.  After talking to my counselor It dawned on me that Jimmy C has some huge unresolved issues about not being wanted by his dad, I think the two were tied tightly together emotionally for him. 
We had a number of discussions, but I have no recollection of him ever apologizing for his part in this, for hurting me, for breaking my trust.  He made steps behavior wise in the right direction, but I don't recall ever hearing the words.

Finding Out

I had gone to Johnson City, Tennessee for Mother's Day weekend with my mom and my two boys.  My best friend who I have know since infancy (and who is like a brother to me) had just put his dad in a nursing home.  His dad was more like a dad to me growing up than my own was.  Hubby (Jimmy C) stayed home because he had to work, he is a Fire Fighter, he also works a part time job as an EMT, and right now he is in paramedic school full time. 
We left for our trip just like any other time we have gone on short trips.  I talked to Jimmy C off and on while we were gone.  On Saturday afternoon he called me pretty distraught, one of the Sherrif's Deputies got killed serving a warrant, we knew this deputy, he was close to our age and also had two small kids. 
Sunday night my friend's dad died.
Monday we headed home.
I knew when I got home that Jimmy C wasn't ok, but I figured it had a lot to do with losing a deputy.  We got the kids fed and in bed and I wanted to snuggle.  I hadn't yet been able to mourn the loss of my friends dad.  Jimmy C didn't want to snuggle, I knew then that something was terribly wrong.  After pushing him to talk he said he wasn't happy, wasn't happy in our relationship, wasn't happy with me.  I was devastated, I completely broke down.  I didn't know what to do, at the time our baby was 6 months old, I couldn't believe I was hearing this, we had not ever had any relationship problems in the 9 years we had been together and the almost 7 we've been married.  I knew that something had happened over the long weekend while I was gone.  I knew it deep down in my soul. I asked him if there was a girl involved and he said no.
I cried almost all day every day, it was horrible.  I work full time, I work Monday through Thursday, 10 hour days, I could hardly leave my office. 
A couple of nights later I woke up and it came to me that I should look at his cell phone.  In ALL the time we have been together I have never looked at his phone, never gone through his stuff, never not trusted him.  So I looked at his phone and there in the text messages was the evidence that something was going on with a girl (K). I confronted him about it at 2 in the morning and asked him to stop talking to her.  He said ok.
Turns out he didn't stop talking to her.  A week later her husband was calling Jimmy C's cell phone at 3AM. 
About a week after that I dropped the boys off at day care and staked out my own home.  I waited until Jimmy C got home and gave him enough time to get in the shower.  I snuck in and looked at his phone, there were more incriminating texts between him and K.  I confronted him again.  It was ugly, I told him I couldn't believe that he would do such a thing, and that he lied to me about it.  Here I was recovering from an incredibly hard and complicated pregnancy with our second son, and having a bad case of the baby blues (he had previously asked me before what was wrong and I told him I thought I had the baby blues, turns out even though he said ok, that he didn't know what it was). 
I lived in fear for days that I would come home from work one day and all his stuff would be gone.  I couldn't believe that this was my life.  It was so hard to pull myself together, but I had to keep it together for my boys.  I am the only one with them a lot of the time.  Fortunately, I have a supportive family, my mom is local and she was always there for me.  My sister came into town for a week just to be here for me. 

Introduction

This might be one of the hardest things I have ever done.  My name is Melissa, I am 33 years old and 4 months ago my husband had an affair.  We are moving forward with our lives together, but I am struggling with a lot of the issues that come with infidelity.  Some of my friends suggested I should start a blog to help me get my feelings out and that it could possibly help others.